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| My Lost Life |
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| Right where we're going |
| Just My Day |
Mission To Berlin
I have figured out a way to win the war. I will fly to Germany where I will live underground until I locate the secret Nazi organization. Today is the first day of my incredible journey, first of (shrugs shoulders) I dunno. Mission is Berlin: Episode 1: I am safely on my plane, flying to the capital of Germany. In case you have any doubt in your mind about this, I stole the tickets from Dick Cheney. I've bee checking out the stewardesses to make sure that they're not Nazi spies and that their not hiding a gun in their pants or something (That's a good excuse, yeah) But...wait, what's this? She's doing something suspicious she must be one of the Nazis! Now I must make the hardest choice of my life: Goth Rock or kill a Nazi. Hmm, hard decision. Wait a second, it’s a portable CD player, I could just bring it with me.
Mission in Berlin: Episode 1.2:
Problem solved, I'll just bring my CD player with me. But this calls for a brilliant plan. I will have to seduce the stewardess into falling in love with me, and when we go in the kitchen to kiss, I will kill her. The only problem with that is, besides the fact she's got to be at least 10 years older than me, I think there are laws against a teenager and an adult graduate student. Time for a new plan. I got it! I’ll just shoot her. That should work. BAM! Some guy gone the in the way! Aww crap. Wait, what’s that? A bomb! He was carrying a bomb! He was a terrorist and I stopped him, hahaha! But what about the stewardess? She's still a Nazi, what am I going to do about her. Hold on, that’s not just a swastika, it's a swastika with an X across it. O, she's not a Nazi.
Mission in Berlin: Episode 1.3:
The lady is not a Nazi, but the man with the bomb is, or was, rather. Wait a second... a bomb! On a plane! And it's about to blow up! Quick, play the cheesy inspirational music! Or Styx! Yay Styx! I will have to sacrifice myself in order to save this plane full of Cubans. God bless you Cuba! Geronimo! Now I wait for this belt of bombs blows up. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Good bye. Hey, I'm still alive, how? Oh, it was a dud. And so was the second. And 3rd, and 4th, even the 5th was a dud. Sweet. But I don't have a parachute, and I'm over the Atlantic Ocean. I'm screwed. Wait, what's that? It's Thailand! No, even better (somehow) it’s Atlantis, the lost Empire. I'm going to Atlantis! YAY I'm going where no modern man has ever gone before! IM SPNightshade for more.
Mission in Berlin Episode 1.4:
I'm not quite sure why we would be in Atlantis, I mean, it's supposed to be in the Mediterranean sea, which is far past where Germany is, so in all possible realities, it would be illogical that I would be flying over Atlantis from USA carrying an automatic Pistol, 5 dud bombs, $70 and no parachute. I'm afraid that this is all that I have to tell you for today..
Mission in Berlin: Episode 2.1:
These people on Atlantis are awesome! NVM how the h*** I landed safely, I'm here now and that’s all I need to know. These people speak every language of the world, somehow, and they have better technology than America and Japan combined. They have already taught me how to make some of the most dangerous weapons to fight the Nazis. Apparently, Hitler had sunk Atlantis in the early 1900's when he was fighting in WWI, hence and that was before the Nazis were under his control, but that fact is easily ignored. Then he sent out subliminal messages to everyone’s minds to convince them that Atlantis is only a myth. I think the Atlantians may make good allies. They have my stuff stored in the Emperor's house...or rather; they did... remember the 5 dud bombs
Mission in Berlin Episode 2.2:
Apparently the belt was also a bomb set off at a later time for some unknown reason. No more chief. They are coming for me now. I'll have to take their punishment like the man that I am. DIE YOU LOST RACE OF PEOPLE! Hahaha, I'm winning, because for some reason they are not getting their plasma guns and shooting me. 3 2 1. Atlantis will never again be inhabited by people again. Wait a second... an idea is forming in my head... no more Atlantians... don't know how to get off island... don't know how to use boats... I’m not grasping the concept of all these thoughts, but I think it may have something to do with not getting off Atlantis. I can hear someone stirring. Someone's alive! Another bullet should do the trick. Bang! Ok, now how am I supposed to get off the island? Another noise.
Mission in Berlin Episode 2.3:
Hey! Someone I didn't shoot! Oh well, I'll just take care of him now. But now that I have a closer look, it's a girl. And she is kind of pretty. White skin... tight black clothes... net tights... mascara... can't bring myself to shoot Goth chick. Oh hell, she can help me out. Maybe she could teach me how to use the boats. Or, as a better idea, maybe I can re-enact the Vietnam War, fall in love with her, than have to ditch when the government comes calling. That’s if she drops that knife. Hahaha, I have a gun and she has a knife, what type of battle... OW! That friggen hurt! My gun broke! And now she's attacking me. I'll just have to pull some Ninjitsu moves on her and.
Ow that hurt. Where am I? I'm in a hut. How’d I get here? She must have knocked me out.
Mission in Berlin Episode 2.4:
Why did she nurse me back to health? It must have been my irresistible good looks, or possibly my brilliant mind. Lol. I'll just have to seduce her (like the airline stewardess) and get her to fall in love with me. Now where is she... she's right here. Next to me. Vague memories, popping into my head. Oh yeah. She knocked me out, then I woke up. Then we settled our difference, I got dentures where my teeth were knocked out, then we hung out. And had some wine. Ok, a lot of wine. Oh crap, I hope I didn't do something I'll regret. I'm still fully dressed. Crap. Jk. She is waking up. Now I must tell her that nothing can happen between us, because that always gets the girl in the end. Right after she's done kissing me. This is scary.
Mission in Berlin Episode 2.5:
Well, that solves all my problems. Now the only thing left to do is her. Hahaha, jk (good call) she has agreed to come with me on my journey as long as I marry her when we get back to America. I told her I'll marry her in Germany, what I didn't tell her is that it's most likely illegal in America to be married under age 18. Oh well, who cares? I am kind of disappointed though, I mean, no more flirting with chicks. Well, at least I got a Goth girl. We depart for Germany tomorrow. Forget the fact that we're on the Mediterranean Sea and Germany has no Coast line. We will get to Berlin tomorrow, even if it kills ... Even if it sprains our ankles!
Mission in Berlin Episode 3.1:
This is day three of my journey, the first day by boat. The Goth chick did not have a name, so I gave her the name Luna, because that name sounds really sexy. We have been on this boat several hours and are starting to doubt that we'll ever get to Berlin. Land has not been sited...Land Ho! There it is! Wow, Germany has a lot more trees than I would have thought. Oh well, there's a river we here leading into the forest, so I guess we're entering. Holy Crap! I didn't know Germany had archers in there forests guarding a big ass river! Who’s shooting us? Luna is telling me something. She says that women are shooting at us. She also says this is not Germany, but Brazil, and we're going down the Amazon River. These are the lost people of the Amazon Women!
Mission in Berlin Episode 3.2:
I have a knack for finding lost civilizations. Luna is negotiating with them, and it seems as if they won't let me in because I'm a man. Talk about prejudice. But that’s ok, once I work up my charm, they won't be able to resist me. Crap, they only speak Portuguese. But Portuguese is very closely related to Spanish, so I just have to brush up on my Spanish and I'll be fine. **Memory flashes back to Spanish class, I'm leaning back in my seat, thinking about how boring this class is while the teacher is saying stuff that I don't understand** and to think I thought I would never use it. Somehow, Luna can speak Portuguese, which is kind of weird considering Atlantis was lost while Old Latin was still a language and Portuguese wasn't created until probably ten thousand years later.
Mission to Berlin Episode 3.3:
I also find it kind of weird that the island under water has very highly advanced technology while these people who can be seen by anyone traveling down the Amazon River have bows and arrows. Ahh, here comes Luna with the news. Here comes Luna running toward me with news. There goes Luna running past me with arrows flying toward us. I don't think they like us too much, her being pale and me being a man, but that's ok. They have bows and I have a plasma gun. What type of fight...Oww! That friggen hurt! My guns broken! Da ja vou. Wait, last time something like this happened , I woke up next to a hot chick. Maybe if I let it happen again... Oww! that was my arm! I'll just have to use my Ninjitsu to...Where'd they all go?
Mission to Berlin Episode 3.4:
There's Luna again, with a bow and arrows, and there are the Amazon women, with arrows lodged in there backs. There's only one possible explanation. The Amazon women began to kill each other to see who the last one left would be and whoever that was could keep me. Then Luna killed the last one. How many times am I ever wrong? Actually, according to Luna, The Amazon women wanted to keep me and make me there their boyfriend (An entire village of women want me!) for reproductive purposes, then make me a slave for the rest of my life. when they said that, Luna got all protective about me and had to kill them. So what do we do now? We have to get to Berlin, but I feel like exploring this town of the Amazon some more.
Mission to Berlin Episode 3.5:
They live in huts made of sticks and mud, and their weapons are the finest quality! To think I'm standing in the village of a lost civilization. Yup...Lost civilization...Ah, hell, I'm just going to take their weapons and leave, this place sux. I swear, by tomorrow, I will be in Berlin. I've killed off two lost civilizations to get there already, and heck, I'll kill some more if they get in my way. But for now, we will continue our journey by boat and set sail, or plasma motor rather, for Germany! Actually, I'm kind of hungry, so first Thailand, then BERLIN! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough cough*
Mission to Berlin Episode 4.1:
Sorry about the day gap between this episode and the last, but I was in shock from what happened to me yesterday. Me and Luna were driving the boat through the Atlantic ocean again, looking for some sort of restaurant anywhere besides America, Because Dick Cheney is holding a grudge toward me. So we had no other choice but to go back to Europe. So when we got there, we saw this river thingy that looked kind of blackish. I figured that since I've never seen a black river before, I might as well go down it. So we started going down the river, but it got a little creepy when it turned dark. Oh yeah, and not to mention the dead bodies in the water, the foul stench, and the creepy cries fro help we could hear in the distance. yeah, that was kind of creepy too.
Episode 4.2:
We were both pretty scared, but I didn't mind, it made Luna cling to me like Velcro. So I was actually pretty happy. But that didn’t last long. Because while she was clinging to me, I could hear someone shouting,” Stop, you are not allowed on Styx!" I thought "Aww crap" and turned off the speakers on the CD player which was currently playing Grand Illusion. "Not That Styx!" the voice cried out again, "I mean this Styx! The Friggen river you're floating down! The Friggen river that smells of death! The Friggen river that kills anyone who drinks it yet mysteriously turns a mortal man immortal when he gets dipped in it!" Well, sorry, I didn't realize that I was in the underworld, seesh, I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud.
Episode 4.3:
Now I can see the man yelling at us. He's not a man at all, he has ram horns on his head. It's Choran! The ferryman of the Styx river! My homie! It looks like he's willing to fight me. What type of fight is this? He has a staff against my gun...Wait a minute. This is how it happened before. I'll just shoot him now. Bang! I did it! I won! But now he's getting back up. Oh yeah, I kind of forgot he was a demon. Oops. I'm screwed. Or, I will have to use my brilliant mind to think of a way out of this. yes, I see how I can get him to do whatever I want. LUNA! Go talk to him and find out what he wants! that's the trick, send your wife, even if she is only 15, and everything will be fine. Ok, she's negotiating, that's good, ok this might get boring, so I'll sing some songs while their talking.
Episode 4.4:
Luna is back from the negotiating. It seems as if Choran wants to join us. Fine by me, Choran is koo, and it isn't going to take Luna away from me because Choran is old. My day couldn't get any better. Unless I invented some sort of weapon that would kill all the Nazis from here or if America had dropped all my charges and let me come home after the mission to Berlin. Oh well, it can't rain all the time, or some analogy like that. See you tomorrow when I hopefully get to Berlin. Cya.
Mission to Berlin Episode 5.1:
It has been two days since me and Luna picked up Choran. We are starting to thin that we will never reach the other side of the world. WE haven't seen land since we stopped at Cuba for some oil. Kerry was bitten by a snake and Carlos has fallen off the back of the wagon...I mean boat. We shot 750 pounds of meat today, but for some unknown reason we could only carry 200 lbs back to the boat (Hahaha, korny Oregon Trail rip-off) What’s Choran saying? Land Ho! Hey, that's my future wife you talking to! Oh, ho, as in he sees land, ok, yeah, I'll let him use that excuse for now, but he better watch himself, he may be immortal, but that doesn't mean I can't kill him. There appears to be a small island. I wonder if there is some lost race here.
Episode 5.2:
We had difficulty pulling into the docks here due to the fact that their navy was firing torpedoes to some invisible enemy that must have been next to us or something, but they accidentally hit us in the process. This place must be Japan because that’s what I think it is. This place is like a whole nother world. As I look around, I see a Wal*Mart, McDonalds, KFC, AMES, CVS. It's like another planet. What does that sign say? Oh, American town. that would explain the Ames, but the McDonalds is still kind of foreign. What are we going to do here though? Let's walk into those mysterious woods where the samurai warriors were said to live 200 or whatever years ago.
Episode 5.3:
Wow this is sooo interesting. I mean, look at all the trees! I have never seen a tree in all my life even though Lisbon is practically a town built in a forest. This is really boring. I need some excitement. Maybe I'll tease that guy with the funny hat and bamboo armour. Bamboo armour! he must be a samurai, though the funny hat does make him look French (I'm part French, so I don't mean anything by that) He ahs a long sword, and no, that is not a gay aphorism. He sees us. and now he's walking over to us, with his sward drawn, yelling Hi or something. That's a drawn out Hi, almost as if he's screaming a battle cry. and look, here comes his friends! More of the samurai said to have died out years ago, I did not see that one coming. They have their swords raised too. Almost as if they want a fight.
Episode 5.4:
hahaha, this is such a pathetic fight. We have Choran after all, and he's immortal. Plus, he has the power to choose whether you can go to the heaven, hell, or that boring place where you do nothing, or not, so their all doomed. This is so pathetic. Oww, he cut my arm! Why didn't Choran protect me? What's he doing? NOTHING! Ow well, I'm dead. Oh yeah, I forgot about Luna, haha, people have hurt me before and she's killed them for me, so this shouldn't be too much different. But just because she's out numbered, I'll shoot some down for her. Lalala, dedede, shooting down the samarey, dee dee daa killing all the samarah. ok this is boring. All of them are dead. That's three races down, a couple more to go probably. But now for the part I like, when Luna starts hugging me and stuff because I'm hurt.
Episode 5.5:
You know, for a Goth chick, Luna is kind of emotional, don't you think? Oh well, it won't matter. Now we have to sadly set sail, after we get our compass fixed of course. I mean, we've traveled from America to Mediterranean sea, which is understandable, it is East of America just like Germany, then we traveled North and ended up in South America, Then we traveled North East and somehow traveled past Europe and Asia without ever noticing land. Luna keeps telling me to pull over and ask for directions, but that isn't happening, I'm a man, what'd you expect. I'll see you tomorrow, when I might reach my destination of Berlin.
Mission to Berlin Episode 6.1:
I have lost track of the 11 days since I started this journey, and so far have not seen even 1 Nazi, except the one on the plane with the bombs. We have been traveling since Friday or Thursday, I dunno, and now we finally see land. Is this Germany? I think it is! Yay we're in Germany! What town are we at? Oh no, I can't pronounce the name on the sign, that means we're either in Africa or Russia. It's probably Russia, because I said it second. But, man is it hot here. I thought Russia was supposed to be cold. Maybe I can ask someone here how to pronounce the name of the town. But which one to ask? Not that guy, he's wearing a skirt made from straw, no, not him, definitely not the guy with the huge hat, and not the guy with the tiki man. I'll ask this guy, he's wearing armour!
Episode 6.2:
Oh no! It's my worse fears in human form! All he's doing is clicking his tongue at me and making weird sounds with his mouth. Choran says that it’s a language used by an ancient African tribe who were said to be immortal. What is an African tribe doing here in Russia? Choran says that they're supposedly immortal and the best warriors in all of history. But that doesn't mean we can't kill them off. This guy is looking at me funny now. Oh, he just wants to shake hands and... Owww! My arm does not bend like that! And Oww with the pain and the arm popping out of place! What's with this guy? Fyew, he let go. Maybe that's just how they shake hands. Better do it back to him so I'm not impolite. He's yelling really loud now. Like, really really loud. And now people around me are starting to point at me with their spears.
Episode 6.3:
Did I shake hands the wrong way? Or maybe getting stabbed is another greeting. That’s going to hurt. Luckily, Luna always saves me when I'm about to get hurt. Where is she? Dangit. She’s at the bar getting lunch. Hey, Choran, a little help? He's just shrugging his shoulders. F&%$@#. This guy is clicking at me again. Well, two can play at that game. Hakdk skdiei akdhjks, adjah, skdkfi kakd clondike! Ha, now they cower in fear. Yeah, that's right, you Russians should fear the Polish! We can hold grudges forever! They seem to have reacted to the word Polish. They're not afraid anymore. Crap, even in fantasy worlds, the polish aren't scary. Ok, I've got a plan. I'll le them kill me and Luna so that a crow can bring my soul back to life in order to avenge Luna's death. There's only one problem. Russia doesn't have any Crows.
Episode 6.4:
Wait, what's that? A toucan, close enough. Ok, they kill me, that parts done, now Luna's dead and the toucan has to work his magic and Akudalapododo, I'm alive! And I'm immortal! Now die, you...umm...stupid...uhh...things. Just |
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